Self Love

I have been told countless times by countless people that I need to take care of me first. Can't pour from an empty cup, blah blah blah... you have all heard the speech. 

 I googled self care ideas and here are some of the items that came up: 

• Read a book or a magazine.
• Sleep in on the weekend.
• Watch the clouds.
• Watch your favorite TV show or movie.
• Color, draw, or paint.
• Cocktail hour, enjoy some drinks.
• Have a pamper night. 
• Retail Therapy.
• Spa Day.
• Order in Dinner - Don't worry about cooking. 
• Bake your favorite dessert and then eat it. As much as you want.

This is how I used to think about self care too. I would buy myself a 44 oz soda after a hard day at work because I "deserved" it. I would sit down and watch TV, read or dink around on my phone for hours EVERY DAY while eating treats because I was tired and needed a break and I needed to love myself. Order in food a few times a week because cooking was just too much for me and I was overwhelmed and had the right to be taken care of by someone else. 

This week, my mind has been shifting. The items listed above can be self care. But they are not what I think the core of self care should be for myself.  My self care would look something like this: 

• Taking time to get ready in the morning - My current mornings consist of me getting up and throwing on some clothing, making breakfast for my daughter and myself and going to work. Most days I throw my hair into a pony tail without even brushing it. I need to start spending some time and really caring for myself. 
• Getting back into running so I can ran another half marathon- Even if this means getting up in the mornings and missing some sleep
• Eating healthy food - even when I only want snacks or take out - This means taking more time to grocery shop and cook meals
• Getting ready for bed - not just falling into bed exhausted 
• Giving myself time and attention
• Working on my hobbies and bettering myself. (Even if it is HARD - like learning how to use my kiln!!)
• Quilting
• Pottery
• Reading
• Maybe something new!

And every once and a while, I can include something from the above list. But if my only self care is eating an entire pan of brownies after a hard day. Or buying myself new things every weekend. Or reading a book late every night, am I really taking care of myself? Or am I turning myself into a spoiled child?? 

Just something to think about. 

Digging deep to find the root cause of my weight gain

I really want this weight loss journey to be different. I don't want to get excited and really motivated for a little while and then have it taper off. I want this to be the time I actually make a difference. So, I have been doing a lot of soul searching to really find out what happened. I have been dealing with low self-esteem and eating problems for YEARS. 

Here is what I have found so far. And it has been TOUGH. Lots of tears. Lots of reflection time. 

• When I was younger my parents both worked full time. My dad was a schoolteacher and my mom worked at a local department store until 6 every night. It was my job to get my little brothers home from school, get their homework done and get dinner started. In the 5th or 6th grade our school did a Maturation Program where they talked about body and hormone changes that came. I was not able to go to my program because I had to get my little brothers home and taken care of. Could someone else have taken my little brothers after school so I could go to this program - YEP. Did my parents try and do that so I could attend? NOPE. It was easier for them to sacrifice my needs to make their life easier. I did not matter. My little brothers and my parents were more important than I was.
• In High School I made the tennis team and NO ONE in my family attended a single game. My dad worked at the high school and would honk as he drove by to go home, but never walked out to watch me. BUT - my parents would take time off of work and drive hours away to watch my brothers baseball games. Almost never missed a home game. I was also in a school play. Not only did I have a part, but I was also the stage manager. No one came to watch me. Again, I did not matter. I was the middle child that was low maintenance, and I was forgotten and pushed aside ALL THE TIME.  
• Time to move into my apartment for college. My dad dropped me off, helped me move my stuff out of the truck and onto the lawn. Then he said he had other things to do, and he left me there. Thankfully one of my new roommates and her dad helped me move all my stuff in. Not even important enough to help move out of the house and into a new place. 
• In college two of my roommates and I were invited to hang out with a couple of guys. It ended up with my two roomies and the two guys making out - I was awkwardly hanging out trying to figure out how to leave without being noticed. Or how to just die of embarrassment.  It was horrible. But again, I felt like I was not important. I did not matter. 

I have SO MANY more stories like this. Also, just to be clear - I have MANY stories where I was made to feel important. Where I was loved. But there are so many more where I have been left out. Forgotten. Cast off. In fact, it is still happening to me quite often. The sting never really goes away. 

Okay, so why does that matter. What does all of that have to do with gaining weight. Did I eat my feelings? You betcha. But more than that, there was ONE thing that was always there. Could always make me feel better. ALWAYS. If I as feeling sad - I could always make up a batch of cookies. If my friends and I were supposed to hang out and I ended up spending the ENTIRE day waiting for them to show up - I could make a cake. I could go get some candy at the dollar store just a few blocks from my house. 

 

In college I was grocery shopping for myself. I could make and eat whatever I wanted. My parents were not there to feed me homegrown veggies or home cooked meals. They might not have always been healthy, but they were better than eating out. (Or crunch donuts.) 

 

When I hurt my knee and couldn't run any more - I could still eat. Shoot, I can even have food delivered. No need to be able to walk. Trying to start running again is hard... eating after a few days of not eat - that is EASY. 

 

Every time I try and "diet" I feel like I am losing my best friend. The only one that was always there. 100% track record of always being around. So, when things get hard with working out, or I am not losing weight - I go back to my best friend. I eat.  And it is not even good food. I just need a fully tummy. Donut that is a tiny bit freezer burned - no biggie. Prepackaged cakes that are so sweet that they hurt my teeth - Okay. That will do. Quick and easy. 

 

I also have a VERY hard time doing ANYTHING for myself. I will put others needs before me. Not just talking most of the time... I am talking ALWAYS!! I think this is a bit of a mothering thing, but it is exasperated with me. I will work myself to death for others and forget to even brush my hair for the day. It is bad. I also have a hard time spending money on myself. So much easier to spend it 

 

Now that I think I know where some of my root cause of weight gain is coming from - what do I do about it? How do I train myself to believe that I can take time for myself? That I can still eat and have a relationship with food, but it can be a healthy one. Healthy food can be yummy and can still be comforting. 

 

How do I start to believe that I matter? 

A post from the future

Someday, I would like to be able to write this post and have it be 100% true: 

Hi, my name is Paige. I used to let my life just go by, thinking that magically it would transform into the life I always wanted. I always wanted to lose the weight I put on but would convince myself that one more snack wouldn't hurt. It would be the "last" snack I would have. Because tomorrow I would actually do it. And I genuinely believed it. Did not feel like a lie I was telling myself. It was fact. I really WAS going to do it. 

However, one day I got sick of it. I made the change that day! I got out of bed and went to the gym at 5:30 in the morning. It hurt. I kept going it. I now go to the gym every day and I come home a sweaty mess. I honestly just feel better when I go work out. For the most part I run, but I can also be found in the weight room or on a spin bike. 

 I also got sick of eating junk food, and I started planning out my meals. No more chicken nuggets for breakfast. No more handfuls of Costco cookies. It was veggies and fresh fruit. Desserts that make my mouth water and that I REALLY enjoyed. (No more little Debbie snack cakes…) 

 With these changes I was able to lose over 100lbs. I can now shop in the regular clothing sections of a store. If I see a cute clothing boutique I can go inside and know that something in there will fit me. I am not longer afraid to fly. When I used to fly I would get anxiety, wondering if that trip was going to be the seat belt extender. I was 100% positive that who ever had to sit next to me was frustrated that they got stuck next to the fat person. I would try and fold myself into the smallest position I could. 

 I am also able to go hiking with my daughter every weekend. I get to enjoy the outdoors and not dread any hill I see. I love getting to spend time with my daughter and watch her make healthy choices. She loves to run around, hike, swim and be active. When I go to a work event or out to dinner with my Husband I am not embarrassed by my size. No, I am not tiny. But I am fit. I look like someone that cares. And it is because I am. I finally care about myself. 

 I am not sure what drove me to make the change, but it happened. I finally grew up. I stopped wishing someone else would take care of me and make it happen and I took care of myself. It did not happen quickly, but I never gave up.

Sadly, none of the above is true. YET. I still push everything off until later. I believe it will just magically happen if I keep waiting. It is time for me to grow up. To take control of my life. That is what I am going to track on this blog. Wanna come with?