I really want this
weight loss journey to be different. I don't want to get excited and really
motivated for a little while and then have it taper off. I want this to be the
time I actually make a difference. So, I have been doing a lot of soul
searching to really find out what happened. I have been dealing with low self-esteem
and eating problems for YEARS.
Here is what I have
found so far. And it has been TOUGH. Lots of tears. Lots of reflection
time.
- When I was younger my parents both worked full time. My
dad was a schoolteacher and my mom worked at a local department store
until 6 every night. It was my job to get my little brothers home from
school, get their homework done and get dinner started. In the 5th or 6th
grade our school did a Maturation Program where they talked about body and
hormone changes that came. I was not able to go to my program because I
had to get my little brothers home and taken care of. Could someone else
have taken my little brothers after school so I could go to this program -
YEP. Did my parents try and do that so I could attend? NOPE. It was easier
for them to sacrifice my needs to make their life easier. I did not
matter. My little brothers and my parents were more important than I was.
- In High School I made the tennis team and NO ONE in my
family attended a single game. My dad worked at the high school and would
honk as he drove by to go home, but never walked out to watch me. BUT - my
parents would take time off of work and drive hours away to watch my
brothers baseball games. Almost never missed a home game. I was also in a
school play. Not only did I have a part, but I was also the stage manager.
No one came to watch me. Again, I did not matter. I was the middle child
that was low maintenance, and I was forgotten and pushed aside ALL THE
TIME.
- Time to move into my apartment for college. My dad
dropped me off, helped me move my stuff out of the truck and onto the
lawn. Then he said he had other things to do, and he left me there.
Thankfully one of my new roommates and her dad helped me move all my stuff
in. Not even important enough to help move out of the house and into a new
place.
- In college two of my roommates and I were invited to
hang out with a couple of guys. It ended up with my two roomies and the
two guys making out - I was awkwardly hanging out trying to figure out how
to leave without being noticed. Or how to just die of embarrassment.
It was horrible. But again, I felt like I was not important. I did not
matter.
I have SO MANY more stories like this. Also, just to be
clear - I have MANY stories where I was made to feel important. Where I was
loved. But there are so many more where I have been left out. Forgotten. Cast
off. In fact, it is still happening to me quite often. The sting never really
goes away.
Okay, so why does that matter. What does all of that have to do with gaining weight. Did I eat my feelings? You betcha. But more than that, there was ONE thing that was always there. Could always make me feel better. ALWAYS. If I as feeling sad - I could always make up a batch of cookies. If my friends and I were supposed to hang out and I ended up spending the ENTIRE day waiting for them to show up - I could make a cake. I could go get some candy at the dollar store just a few blocks from my house.
In college I was grocery shopping for myself. I could make
and eat whatever I wanted. My parents were not there to feed me homegrown
veggies or home cooked meals. They might not have always been healthy, but they
were better than eating out. (Or crunch donuts.)
When I hurt my knee and couldn't run any more - I could
still eat. Shoot, I can even have food delivered. No need to be able to walk.
Trying to start running again is hard... eating after a few days of not eat -
that is EASY.
Every time I try and "diet" I feel like I am
losing my best friend. The only one that was always there. 100% track record of
always being around. So, when things get hard with working out, or I am not
losing weight - I go back to my best friend. I eat. And it is not even
good food. I just need a fully tummy. Donut that is a tiny bit freezer burned -
no biggie. Prepackaged cakes that are so sweet that they hurt my teeth - Okay.
That will do. Quick and easy.
I also have a VERY hard time doing ANYTHING for myself. I
will put others needs before me. Not just talking most of the time... I am
talking ALWAYS!! I think this is a bit of a mothering thing, but it is
exasperated with me. I will work myself to death for others and forget to even
brush my hair for the day. It is bad. I also have a hard time spending money on
myself. So much easier to spend it
Now that I think I know where some of my root cause of
weight gain is coming from - what do I do about it? How do I train myself to
believe that I can take time for myself? That I can still eat and have a
relationship with food, but it can be a healthy one. Healthy food can be yummy
and can still be comforting.
How
do I start to believe that I matter?
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